At the precise moment where she was giving her friend a piece of her mind about how impractical and unrealistic an all-consuming love is, the universe was laughing its wits out at her. How could she have ever known the universe had a plan and was in fact conspiring to uproot every idea she had instilled into her mind about the practicality of “love”? After all the heartbreak stories of people around her, she’d come to believe people only looked for a love of convenience and that true love existed only in her books. She was on the verge of being proven so wrong. There he was, the universe’s plan… As their eyes met, all she could hear was her pounding heart and the voice from her throbbing head that said, “There you go.”
In spite of it all, there they were. Him. Her. And the magic of the overzealous dark night with their wild heartbeats. There were no words for a while. Both of them were trying to absorb the reality of this moment; the reality that this, after all, was not a dream. Cupping her face in his palms, looking right into her eyes that were beaming with intense emotions he finally said, “In these few moments that I have with you, I want you to reveal your most vulnerable self to me. I want your raw emotions. I want the uncareful version of you. I want you to bleed your feelings… your absolute, unadulterated, naked truth. I want to know if you too feel the unnamed feeling of being raptured and ruined at the same time. I want to know it all.” It was confession time for her. What could she tell him that her eyes hadn’t given away already? Yes, she too suffered the confusion of utter bliss and pain. She too was tormented by the way every fibre of her body called out to him in every waking and sleeping moment. Before getting caught in the web of her thoughts, she decided to put it in the least complicated way, “I love you. You are the definition of my vulnerability, my desires, my fears, my emotions. I will stay consumed by you, because I know no other way.”
It is funny how people in love think they have mastered the art of cloaking… They forget how every time they are with the one they love every nerve of their bodies shouts at the world, “Oh yes, we are lovers!”
It was time again for their late-night tête-à-tête with soft music, some wine and dim lights. What started out as a regular gossip session between two besties meeting after a long time, quickly turned into a serious conversation. She desperately needed to know her best friend’s opinion on the thought that was haunting her for quite some time now, so she finally asked, “Did I disrupt his mundane life? He seemed fine with the ordinary before I barged in. Do you think I have left him muddled up for the rest of his life?” After musing over it for what seemed like ages her friend answered with certainty, “Yes, you did; but in a good way. When you barged in, he got the emotional experience of his life… He never knew he was capable of such intensity, such passion. Now he knows the difference between living and just being alive. You, my friend, are that difference. And even if it is not forever, he is lucky to have experienced the intensity of your love.”
What is pain?
Pain is every time I wonder what could be.
Contradiction was her second name. She was gifted. She was cursed. Day after day, she went through a myriad of emotions so contradictory that she could not believe herself. He made her head-over-heels happy, but he also made her hopping-mad furious. What was she to make of this tumultuous relationship? What was she to make of all his promises? She wished for numbness, as the pain was too much to deal with every time he said, “I love you, but…” Was it time to let him go? Did he deserve another chance? Another chance to admit how crazy he was about her, minus all the “buts”. Aah… If only the answer was that simple, if only love was that simple, if only life was that simple!
Like every girl in love she wondered why people said love is overrated. What she was going through was anything but overrated… What she felt was overwhelming, all-consuming! Despite all the uncertainties of their relationship (if you can call it a relationship that is), she loved what they had together. The keyword is “together”. She could write a story about every conversation they had. Every word that came out of his mouth, everything he did – from the way he smiled to the way he looked when he was upset, every touch… Everything was indestructibly etched in her mind. While she was sitting with her books in a romantic dreamy state, she could not help but recall what he had said the other day. She blushed, thought of how she felt in his arms, and then repeated that sentence in her head, “I want to go to sleep in your arms.” She felt like an idiot for not telling him that she too wanted that. If only her shy self could stay in check around him. Yes, they were in each other’s arms… Hoping against hope for a forever like that. The world gave them a zillion signals to warn them of impending separation, but lovers I tell you… And lovers they were!
On any other day, she would have reveled in a caffeine-loaded chatter session with her girlfriends at their regular hangout. But today was not that day. It took a little while before she noticed her friend furiously snapping her fingers in her face. She realised she had zoned out of an intense discussion. “What’s up with you today? Where are you? And what’s with the smile and blush?” her friend asked, irritated. She smiled again, wrapped her friend in a hug and said with irrational exuberance, “I think I have lost it. I will see you guys later.” On her way back home, her blush deepened. It was him. It was him again. She was thinking about what he had said on the phone last night. She was replaying that exact moment in her head over and over again where he said, “You are my darling, my life.” She wondered how her friend could ever understand this teenage-like madness if she were to explain the stupid smile. Yes, it was madness. But she was getting more and more addicted to her madly-in-love self. She was getting more and more addicted to him.
There she was… temporarily impaired… again! What was happening to her, she thought. She did not recognize herself anymore. Ms. Idealist could not believe she has put herself in a situation where she had to resort to alcohol to
numb her emotions. Did her drunk, intoxicated, inebriated self help her deal with the heart-wrenching pain? Unfortunately, the forget-everything-and-relax-potion had an opposite effect on her and made things worse… Instead of anesthetizing her emotions, it heightened them. Love, pain, confusion… everything multiplied… She was experiencing alternating emotions… from elation to sadness! If she could do it over again, would she make the same choices? Would she protect herself from his love? May be not. May be not, and that made it more painful!